One Minute Fast Food Chicken Sandwich Reviews

A chicken sandwich post? In 2022? Are you insane?!?!?!

I know, I know. I’m a few years behind the curve. The Chicken Sandwich Wars were so 2020. But I think it’s actually worthwhile to take a retrospective glance. To look back on the carnage and the glory, to get a real sense of the winners and losers of this incredible period in fast food history. 

Also, I still haven’t read enough books to do a book reviews post. So this is what you get instead.

SPICY CRISPY CHICKEN SANDWICH (McDonald’s, $4.99) When I tried this sandwich it was fresh, crisp, and smothered in pale orange sauce. I think the sauce is mayonnaise based. It’s not particularly spicy if you’re used to spice. There isn’t much of a “flavor” to the sauce that I can discern, I’m guessing it’s just cayenne and paprika or something. Sometimes the sandwich comes so slathered in sauce it’s dangerous to eat. Each mouthful is wet and sloppy. Gobs of sauce dribble out the back every time you take a bite. In fact, the sandwich is so wet, I think it should be called the “wet chicken” sandwich instead of the spicy chicken sandwich. It has a couple of pickles on it but you can’t really taste them over the sauce and the fried chicken patty. The bun is either toasted or colored in some way to make it look like it’s toasted. The piece of chicken is fairly small compared to some of the others on the list. All in all, it’s a delicious fast food sandwich. 

SPICY CH’KING SANDWICH (Burger King, $4.99) I love the name of this sandwich because it reminds me of Maggy, my favorite character from Little Dorrit, who loves going to the hospital to eat oranges and “chicking.” What a joy it is to pretend to be Maggy, squealing with delight while you sit in your car in the Burger King parking lot, repeatedly shouting the word “chicking” and devouring this delectable sandwich. The sandwich looks like it’s going to be a “wet chicken” like its McDonald’s counterpart, but in reality it tastes fairly dry. I guess the wetness is just an optical illusion. The large piece of fried chicken is drenched in a tangy, spicy-sweet glaze. There’s also a dollop of spicy mayo, and of course some pickles. This sandwich is exciting and festive, it feels like you’re eating a fried chicken feast on a bun! That said, it’s also liable to give you a stomach ache if you’re not careful. At 1500 calories, it’s one of the least healthy fast food sandwiches ever created. 

NB: This menu item has been RETIRED and is no longer available at most Burger King locations. A quick review of the available evidence suggests that while the sandwich was well-received critically, it did not sell well enough to earn a permanent slot on the ever-evolving BK menu. A tragic casualty of the Chicken Sandwich Wars to be sure. 

SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH TACO (Taco Bell, $1-2???) I got this a long time ago, I can barely remember it. But I do remember it being pretty gross. The little of piece of fried chicken looked like a revolting gray larva wrapped in a soft taco shell. I love Taco Bell, this is just not what they do. Clearly it was an effort to capitalize on the Chicken Sandwich Wars, but not nearly enough thought or effort was put into the design and flavor of this product. It was discontinued after only a month on the menu, so if you managed to get one, good on you, I guess.

THE CHICKEN SANDWICH (POPEYE’S, $3.99, pictured in photo)  This is the only chain I visited so confident in the quality of its fried chicken sandwich that it places said sandwich as option number ONE on its menu. This is the unequivocal winner of the Chicken Sandwich Wars, the big daddy of them all. There’s simply no contest. The bun is correct, buttery and warm. The piece of chicken is large and decadent. The pickles are thick. The dollop of mayo is perfectly proportioned. The breading is on point. It is perfectly fried without being greasy, how do they do it? There were lines down the block when this sandwich came out, and it’s easy to see why. To this day, many locations sell out of the sandwich well before closing. If you haven’t tried it, what are you waiting for? 

SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH (Wendy’s, $4.69) I’m going to be honest: I only tried this because Popeye’s ran out of chicken sandwiches and this was next door. With all due respect to Dave (may he RIP), this is just not in the same league as the big dogs. It’s much more of a traditional fast food sandwich, it doesn’t even really taste like chicken, it’s more of a gloopy, mushy flavor mélange. The spiciness is nonexistent, there is supposedly a “unique, fiery blend of peppers and spices” fried into the breading, but the only notes I detected were mayo, mayo, and more mayo. I’m not saying it was bad, it just tastes like depression. It’s not really something to “enjoy,” it’s more of a memento mori. You want to eat it fast and feel the trans-fats glooping catastrophically into your blood. Get that little hit of impending death, and get on with your life. 

SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH (KFC, $6.99) One of the greasiest, gloppiest, stinkiest wet chickens out there. And at $7.55 including tax it’s no bargain, either! This is sort of like a drugstore dupe for the Popeye’s sandwich, but at almost twice the cost, so what’s the point? Everything is just slightly down a par. I think they could use some quality control. The one thing I will say is that the spiciness of the sauce, while not overpowering during the consumption of the sandwich, lingered delightfully on the palate for minutes after eating. I definitely enjoyed this sandwich, but I wouldn’t go back anytime soon. As a matter of fact, I won’t be going back to any of these places in the near future, I feel kind of sick. Just broccoli and brown rice will be good for a while. Tiny pieces of spinach or something. Broiled fish. You know, stuff like that.

One Minute Movie Reviews

 

I was inspired to make a blog after reading Zac Smith's and Crow Jonah's book review blogs. I like the idea of doing short, pithy reviews of things. I decided to start with some movie reviews because I haven't read that many books lately. Maybe I'll read more books now that I have this blog. Anyway, these are the movies I watched most recently, in no particular order, followed by my thoughts and impressions of each movie. 

THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY (Anthony Minghella, 1999) Remember when they used to make those big, bloated, lavish Oscar bait movies, and everyone wanted to see them? With beautiful music, impossibly sexy actors, gorgeous locations, expensive clothes, stunning cinematography? Remember style? Remember taste? Remember class? Remember when people were excited about the movies? There’s something slightly off about the rhythm of this. It goes on and on, it’s dour and humorless, the characters are unpleasant – but who cares, I loved it anyway. The actors are perfect – this was Jude Law’s big breakthrough part! Matt Damon was known mostly for Good Will Hunting; here he plays the world’s most evil faggot – Yum! Gwyneth Paltrow and Cate Blanchett are great too, and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Everything looks expensive and tasteful, everything is well thought-out. The compositions are gorgeous, some even (dare I say) iconic. I loved all the scenes where they’re fixing drinks or espressos or eating pastries outside on little terraces or writing on typewriters or sailing beautiful boats. I wanted to get lost in this movie. 

PREY (Dan Trachtenberg, 2022) Where’s Arnold? Where’s Sly? Where’s the NAVY Seals? Who’s this Pocahontas bitch? Why does she want to hunt so bad? Shouldn’t she be harvesting maize or gathering nuts and berries? How’s she going to kill the Predator when she can’t even get a rabbit with her tomahawk? So many questions! Lots of CGI animals in this. Mice, snakes, ants, mountain lion, deer, bear, birds, and so much more. The movie was kind of okay. I liked that it was unpretentious, lithe, a fair amount of carnage. The lead actress was good. The running time was correct. It was fine. I didn't live. 

NOPE (Jordan Peele, 2022) I enjoyed the visual style, the ambition, the lead performance from Keke Palmer, the horrific sequence with the chimpanzee, the witty dialogue. I didn’t care for the twist, the third act didn’t work for me at all. Most of the roles were badly miscast. The creature design seemed weirdly cloying, like if Pixar tried to make a monster movie. Keith David had just one or two lines, why cast him at all? He should have been the main guy and Kaluuya’s character should have died at the beginning instead. I was alone in the theater but for two developmentally disabled women, who kept shrieking at the screen in obvious consternation, yelling things like “THIS MOVIE DON’T MAKE NO SENSE!” and so forth. I think I enjoyed it more than they did, but only just. 

THE BLACK PHONE (Scott Derrickson, 2021) I loved this for some reason, the ending filled me with emotion. I kept thinking of Gene Siskel’s avowed hatred of films that put children in peril, and how I feel the exact opposite. I like when movies are manipulative, I like when kids are in danger. I liked how the kid comes of age in the torture cellar. In that regard it was similar to Prey actually – they’re both about finding your strength in the most challenging circumstances, and both use straightforward, uncomplicated genre trappings to riff on the hero’s journey archetype. The period details were fun, Ethan Hawke was creepy.  Nothing groundbreaking, but it's slick and competent and sentimental in a nice way. 

IT (Andy Muschietti, 2017) Boy did I hate this movie. So boring, so literal, what a piece of crap! Looks cheap even though it obviously cost a lot. The ghosts and ghouls all look dumb and fake, even Pennywise looks bad. The actor who plays him is fine, but they drown him in CGI, sucks. Plays like a series of bad outtakes from Stranger Things. Incompetent. Zero scares. The kid actors are annoying, none of the characters have any development or dimension. The music choices are weird. Nobody should be allowed to make a sci-fi/horror movie/show where a group of kids rides around town on their bikes while trying to solve a supernatural mystery for a very long time, a decade at least. It’s played out, it’s no good. Something else, something else. 

EYES WIDE SHUT (Stanley Kubrick, 1999) One of the things film can do better than any other medium is mimic the experience of dreaming. Painting, photography, music, literature – they can all do parts of it, but as a fully immersive audio-visual experience, only film can truly capture the logic, the rhythms, the textures of the subconscious mind. Has any film better depicted the experience of dreaming a sexual nightmare than this one? One of the great surrealist masterpieces. The running time flew by, I couldn’t look away. The sets are glorious, so rich with character and detail. Nicole Kidman in her see-thru camisole, the bathroom behind her suffused in eerie blue light: iconic. Alan Cumming as the giggling gay concierge: yes! The sequence in the costume shop: sickening, debauched, uproarious. Every detail is perfect, every surface considered for maximum effect. The marble staircases, the hooker’s apartment, the jazz club, the red carpeting on Sydney Pollack’s pool table. Critics hated the orgy sequence when this was released, can you imagine? I found it suffused with power and strange mystery. There are glimmers of Lynch’s Twin Peaks, Żuławski’s Possession, other classic New York-at-night films like Scorsese’s After Hours and Schrader’s Light Sleeper. I was also reminded a bit of Polanski’s The Ninth Gate, released the same year – another unjustly maligned thriller featuring an iconic male actor stumbling into a cabal of wealthy occultists. This is the better one though, obviously – it's a classic, easily one of the best movies ever. 

BODIES BODIES BODIES (Halina Reign, 2022) I liked this but I sort of get the feeling I might like it less in a few weeks. Remember Garden State? Ugh – I adored it…for 72 hours. Within a week of seeing it I despised it, and myself. I couldn’t believe it, couldn’t trust my own feelings, my own judgment. The movie version of Chicago? I had the soundtrack on CD, knew the words to all the songs. Then, at art camp, there was this other gay kid I didn’t like, he was playing the soundtrack on a boom box, singing along to all the words and dancing in an obnoxious way, doing jazz hands. Is that how I look to other people? I wondered. I didn’t watch another musical for years. I was obsessed with Donnie Darko all through high school. Later I was so embarrassed, how could I have liked something so silly? Now I think I would probably like it again. My tastes have reverted back to when I was 15. I’m going to start listening to Sublime, grow out my hair, wear giant hoodies and baggy jeans with patches sewn on the knees, smoke hand-rolled cigs, take mushrooms…Just kidding. What were we talking about? Bodies Bodies Bodies…I liked the humorous use of contemporary discourse lingo. I liked when the characters “called each other out” for comedic effect. I liked the actors. I liked that the ostensible heroine was kind of just a weird lump (relatable!). This was like a better version of Scream 5, what I think the Scream 5 filmmakers were going for, but with a much better grip on the narcissist zoomer "type," and sharper dialogue. Like Gosford Park by way of Jennifer's Body.