One Minute Book Reviews: Yule Edition

Happy Yule, everyone! I read all nine of these books today. I can very easily read seven or eight or even nine books in one day. I wrote all the reviews before I read the books, too. I already knew what the books were about and whether I liked them or not before I read them. I had pithy, funny things to say about each book already prepared by the time I started reading. I can read a book just by touching it. I can move books around on the shelf with my mind. I moved the books around on my shelf with my mind then snapped the above photo using the magic cameras in my eyes. Then I uploaded the photo, along with the reviews, to my blog, which is what you're reading right now (and for that I humbly thank you).

SELECTED UNPUBLISHED BLOG POSTS OF A MEXICAN PANDA EXPRESS EMPLOYEE (Megan Boyle, 2011) Want to hear something crazy? So I gave my copy of this book to my friend Hootie for Christmas. Right before I wrapped it, I opened the book and pointed at a random passage, which was about feeding Cheez-Its to a cat. Then I brought the book to the coffee shop where Hootie works and guess what? Hootie was wearing a Cheez-Its sweatshirt! Then I showed her the part of the book about the Cheez-Its and she said she feeds her cat Cheez-Its too!!!!!!! Crazy synchronicity, right? This is less a book and more a way of life. Immediately once you start reading, you notice a change in how you’re thinking, writing, tweeting, eating, interacting with people, imagining stuff, looking at your cats. Anyone could have thoughts like these, but no one else could have these exact thoughts, which makes the book feel both universal and thrillingly, perfectly singular. It feels like there’s a little Megan Boyle shaped narrator in my brain now. Hurray!

LEAVE SOCIETY (Tao Lin, 2022) This is the first Tao Lin book I’ve read, based on Josh Sherman’s recommendation. The only other (literary) thing I’ve read by Tao is “A Poem Written by a Bear,” which my friend Michael gave me when he enrolled in my boarding school, aged 23, and groomed me and all my friends. I don’t know why they let Michael into the school, it was fine though. None of us cared. He acted the same age as us, or honestly even younger. Plus I was on so much acid back then, I didn’t really know what was happening around me on any meaningful level anyway. And I always loved the Tao Lin poem, it really stuck with me. I loved Leave Society, too. I think it works on multiple levels: as an obsessive chronicle of the affects and peculiarities of ordinary life; as a sort of anti-odyssey, where in a series of episodes a blasé hero encounters not monsters or witches but dentists, doctors, and energy healers; and as the diary of a dreamer, a flawed yet earnest and warm-hearted seeker, searching for meaning in a world increasingly troubled by mediation, distraction, and toxic chemicals. I also came away from the book with an improved understanding of the term “autofiction,” which here seems less to mean “fiction about one’s self” or “autobiographical fiction” and more “writing that acknowledges, enjoys, and engages with the idea that one’s life is an ever-unfolding work of art.” 

THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE (Shirley Jackson, 1959) I think a case could be made for this being the most influential novel of the 20th century, especially if you take into account film and not just literature. Every haunted house movie, every ghost story, every James Wan’s The Conjuring, every The Shining, every Netflix horror miniseries owes a debt to this book. And I bet some of them don’t even realize they’re referencing its images and ideas. It’s all bled into the culture so much. But like omg. This book is so, so good. It’s so elegant and sharply written, so psychologically acute, so FUNNY, and, when it gets there, so absolutely terrifying. I read it with my book club and it seemed like everyone loved it, even those who don’t usually go for spooky stuff. And even seasoned horror fans find it frightening. I don’t know what else to say. I love this book so much. 

THE SHINING (Stephen King, 1977) WOW, this book has a lot of N bombs! The Overlook Hotel lobs psychic N’s at Dick Hallorann so hard, he almost falls off his snowmobile and over a cliff. I kept wondering if King could still get away with all these N’s in today’s society. Or if he would even still attempt it. I mean, I guess he’s pretty untouchable at this point. What can I say about a book like The Shining? It’s perfect. Even the annoying/stupid parts (ie the evil hedge animals) are perfect. I’m sure this has been said a lot, but the thing I loved about it the most is how it’s like…600 some pages, and Jack doesn’t even really fully lose his mind until 450-500 pages in. It’s just all slowly building tension and suspense. And the writing is so stripped-down, unpretentious, there are no mannerisms, almost no affect. It’s just bloody brilliant. 

ANYBODY HOME? (Michael J. Seidlinger, 2022) Certain stylistic choices kept me from loving this one. The writing is engaging and clever, with a great flow. I blew through it in a couple of nights. But I found little to differentiate the characters, particularly the five home invaders, and I struggled to care about any of the victims. I think the author wanted readers to view events unfolding from a clinical distance, through a dispassionate, chilly, impersonal lens, and he definitely achieved that. Whether that’s to your liking, I leave it up to you to decide. (FWIW, I would see a movie based on this book, and I actually think the material would be better suited to the screen than the page). 

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS (Delicious Tacos, 2022) Is it possible to find happiness in a world where your decisions have already been made by others? Where corporations dictate your every move, from the clothes you wear, to the food you eat, to the car you drive, to the places you go on vacation? Where you're essentially owned by the company you work for, and the banks who sold you loans? Where you're a slave to the desires of your body and the sinister machinations of late stage capitalism? Me, I wouldn't know, because I left society after reading Tao Lin's book, and I now live in a hut I built out of mud and sticks in the Alaskan wilderness. But if you do want to know the answers, I would ask Delicious Tacos. He seems like he thinks about these things a lot. Hell of a writer, too.

THE CROWLEY TAROT: THE HANDBOOK TO THE CARDS (Akron & Hajo Banzhaf, 1995). I got this because I don’t understand the book Crowley himself wrote regarding the Thoth deck. I don’t even know where my copy of the Crowley book is now, I may have sold it. The guy at the shop where I bought this was having a mental breakdown of some sort. He was talking very fast, burning too much sage, and weeping, and he followed me out to my car trying to tell me stuff about the universe after I checked out. I hope he's okay, I'm worried about him. The book is good so far, it’s much more clear and easy to understand than the stuff Crowley wrote. But honestly I’ve only read like 7 pages so far and I’m just including it here to make it seem like I read more books in the past couple months than I actually did. 

DONALD GOINES (Calvin Westra, 2022) Propulsive, repugnant, shocking, nasty, wholesome, hallucinatory, filled with masturbation and puppets, richly imagined, minimalist prose but maximalist plot/imagery, tripped out, referential & allusive yet totally unique, and also just a beautifully designed, joyful object that makes you happy when you hold it in your hands. I loved Calvin’s previous book Family Annihilator and I love this one too. 

EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY FINE (Zac Smith, 2022) I still haven’t finished this. I’m reading it right now. I mean like, right now right now, not right now in general. I’m sitting here reading it as I type this. I’m typing with both hands and holding the book under my chin and reading it upside down, and I’m also masturbating at the same time by rubbing my computer against my erect penis. I’m also drinking an Arnold Palmer through a straw, and juggling several bowling pins using my feet, and I’m naked. I’m catching the bowling pins between my toes, which are grossly enlarged and have wide boiling pin shaped indentations between them. The pins are making a sound like thwut thwut thwut as they land in the spaces between my toes, and the laptop is making a sound like dkl dkl dkl as it rubs against my penis. Now I am sticking out my tongue and waggling it at you as I do all of this. Now I am in jail because you called the cops on me for doing all of those previous things. Now I am getting called out on a blog post for style stealing (the gravest of all literary crimes) because I stole Zac Smith’s style when I wrote this review of Zac Smith’s book Everything Is Totally Fine by Zac Smith by Eveything is Totally Fine Zac Smith by Zac smith and published it on my Zac Smith blog is everything is Tottally Zacc Smith blog is totally Zac smithh is everything blog is totally fine is everything is totally fine by Zac Smith.